Last week I published Parenting an Angry Child, and received an overwhelming response. Parents want to talk about this and I want to continue the conversation.
I’m working on a resources post, but in the meantime, one of the comments on that post was from a fellow blogger and what she wrote included a number of tools for parents. I asked if she could expand a bit. Here is her guest post.
{Welcome Shawn :: Awesomely Awake}
I am the mother of twin girls both raised the exact same. One can be very angry. The other is as calm as calm can be. My angry girl is only angry at home. She is awesome in school and elsewhere.
When I read the post by Alissa, I felt instant relief. I had been suffering in silence.
I had been writing a lot about dealing with an angry child but I hadn’t confessed that that’s why I was doing it. Her special personality is why I have written so much about peaceful parenting on my blog Awesomely Awake.
Because I felt like I had been doing something wrong.
Then the problem got intensely worse this summer.
My husband and I tried everything but traditional behavior doesn’t work. Not rewards. Not praise. Definitely not consequences. Definitely not time outs. Definitely not time ins. Nothing.
I handled this problem like all the others by digging into research to learn all I can learn. Once I did that I quickly realized she needs my help to learn how to cope with her problems and leading her to greatness has become a personal challenge for me.
It has been six weeks and I am happy to report that she is showing a dramatic decrease in her explosions and she is cooperating much better. The few explosions she’s had in the last week were short lived and she was easily calmed down with distraction. This is a huge improvement.
My response is key. If I say nothing and just wait until she’s calm to address the issue, things are calmer. I encourage her to make the right choices – but we let her make those choices. This is not the traditional parenting but she’s an exceptional child and needs things to be different. Holding off on responding to a behavior issue that could be a trigger to an outburst is not always easy, especially when trying to get out the door in the mornings, but it is necessary. Plus, she and I are a lot alike so we butt heads a lot anyway. We no longer discipline but we do let natural consequences teach her some valuable lessons.
Use a hand signal. When she starts to sass me I immediately put my finger to my lips and puff out my cheeks. It’s a very clear signal to her that I am not going to engage in that argument with her. I came up with this idea for myself — so that I would remember not to debate with her — while spending a day at a silent retreat ironically after a very rough morning with her. Magically, this hand signal has become a universal sign for us both to just walk away and stop. She almost immediately responds with silence and cooperation. This step is quite possibly the most important step in this list. But, like with most angry children, this cannot be overused or the child may come to resent it.
Log the outbursts. This has been key for me. I have a notebook in the kitchen where I write the date, the time, the way the outburst started, how it evolved, our response, and what we, the parents, could have done differently to change the outcome of the situation. Once I started this, I quickly realized all of her outbursts were before a meal or before bedtime. I also realized that in some of the incidents I could have handled the situation better. As a result, I have learned to parent more effectively.
Give her a pass. I made a deal with myself. If her outburst happens before a meal when she’s hungry or before bed when she’s tired, I forgive it entirely. Guess what? I’m giving a lot of passes. As soon as I started doing that, I started having more empathy for her because I know that it’s because she’s hungry or tired and not because she’s trying to hurt me intentionally.
Meet her needs. This angry girl needs smaller meals all day rather than three main meals. She needs to snack often. She needs to eat. I found a direct correlation between feeding her often and her behavior being more balanced. So, I carry snacks everywhere and I now just trust that she knows when she needs to eat. It is what it is. She also needs more sleep despite her pleas to stay up late and skip napping.
Show empathy. If I’m not brushing her concerns to the side, she’s more likely to calm down faster. She wants me to understand her and her frustrations. And while I always cared about her needs, I wasn’t showing that to her by sitting with her and helping her work through those very big feelings she gets.
Work on the real issues when she’s calm. She’s so clearly needing to master things such as patience building, understanding the feeling of disappointment, kindness for others and problem solving. I thought she had mastered all of these things before until she turned 6 and then it just went out the window. We’re back-to-basics. So, we’re reading a lot of books – things like My Mouth is a Volcano, Peaceful Piggy, Moody Cow. We’re reading a lot of poetry, too. See below.
Read together. We’ve read a poetry book that is helping her cope as well as well as get a different perspective on the world and how she fits into it. The one she likes is called “I Like Being Me
I finally feel like we’ve turned the corner. Is she cured? No. Just this morning she has begun button pushing that if I were to respond to would result in an explosion – her word, not mine. But, the fact that she’s talking about the problem, admitting there is a problem and trying her best to handle her anger is a fantastic start.
Hugs to all the parents out there dealing with this. It is not easy but we can nurture and love these children.
Shawn Ledington Fink is a writer and author of The Playful Family eBook and the founder of the blog Awesomely Awake. She writes about parenting from the soul and enjoys inspiring families to create their own happy parenting style. You can find her on Facebook as well. This October, she’s hosting a brand new e-course called The Messy Family, a workshop that will promote creative discovery in a family room environment.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
These are great tips. I now just need to remember them in the heat of things. I find that I am repeating the patterns from how I was parented. It is so easy because it is like auto pilot. But I want better for my grand kids and my kids, because I know if I don’t change things the same things will be repeated with my grand kids. Thank you so much for posting about this. I need all the encouragement and tips I can get.
Isn’t that the trick – remembering in the heat of the moment?! Good for you for looking forward and making changes for your family and generations to come, that’s hard work!
Leigh Ann — There is a lot to remember/try/experiment with … try one each day and see what works best. I try to do them all but it is hard and not always possible. Thank you for trying to change the cycle.
Thank you for this post! I too have an explosive daughter. We know that she has some sensory issues, but lately I have been struggling with trying to figure out what is the real cause of these outbursts. I too have found that it is most often for her when she is overtired and or hungry. We also found out that she is hypoglycemic (which explains a lot about the hungry part). Loving her and myself through this is my goal every day. She may be explosive but she is also sweet, kind, intelligent, polite, and loving. The contrast is sometimes overwhelming. Sometimes parenting can be an isolating thing, so again, thank you. Its always good to remember that we are not alone.
Thank you, Jill. I agree that the contrast is overwhelming — like a roller coaster ride. I wonder sometimes if my girl may be hypoglycemic … or right now in a growth spurt because she needs to eat all day!
Can I just tell you what a God-send this article was for me! I too have twins, a boy and a girl. My son is the most compliant child and never ruffles anyone’s feathers. Our daughter on the other hand is EXACTLY like the child illustrated in the article. I have read every parenting book I can get my hand on and have cried out in desperation to God. I am so thankful for this blog and to realize there is not something inherently “wrong” with her…He designed her this way and He has entrusted me to guide her and her emotional needs.
Thanks for writing Leslie. I’m wishing the best for you and your family. I’m sure your daughter will benefit from having that feeling of your acceptance of her.
Leslie — Hugs to you and to your daughter. When times are tough, I just hug her.
Shawn, thank you for your frank and open post. I’d just like to say that I know many adults that act the same way when they are hungry or tired. Perhaps they would be been able to cope with these basic needs had their parents and/or guardians been able to help them work through it like you are doing for your daughter. Best of luck to both you and her.
Isn’t that true, Katherine! lol I was just talking to my husband about this very topic and how the angry men of the world that we hear about in the news — perhaps they were explosive children and just didn’t get the help they needed.
I am trying to understand this post, I really am, but there seems to be a lot of blame placed on a very young child. Labeling a child as “explosive” or “angry” sounds more like negative shaming tactics. These are derogatory words.
My middle child used to behave in some of these ways, but you know who was responsible? Me. She wasn’t angry or explosive, she was (and still is) a child who wasn’t getting her needs met. Once I figured out what I was/wasn’t doing, she change nearly overnight. I take great offense to labeling a child this way and wish you would think about how much blame your putting on the child by seeing them through a lens that says they’re broken before they’ve even begun.
Hi Abigail,
Thank you for voicing concern about a very important topic. Words certainly do have power. If we decide to only use negative ways to describe our children, we wind up tinting our vision, I agree with you on that. I can’t speak for Shawn, who wrote the above, but I know for myself, that while I often use words like intense or spirited to describe my son, that just doesn’t quite explain it sometimes. My son truly gets angry and explosive. I do not see these words as derogatory, but as descriptive. Anger can be a frightening and powerful emotion, but it doesn’t have to be negative. If I cannot learn to speak about anger, I will never be able to deal with it in a healthy way.
Part of seeing my child as a healthy, whole and capable person, has been for me to come to terms with this powerful emotion that he can express. To deny that he gets angry would not only be denying my experience; it would be patronizing to my son’s feelings as well.
I quite clearly see my child’s behavior as a communication that needs are not being met, however, after years of working SO hard to find out how to meet those needs, I have come to realize that I need to give myself a measure of grace as well. I am only human, and while I strive to meet my children’s needs, I cannot meet them all. This does not mean that I am giving up on meeting those needs, however I need to be realistic that there is a lot more going on here than just this one person’s needs and I’ve got to do what I can to balance that all. All of our lives we are needed and we are in need. My kids and I are going to have to keep learning about this and figuring out our dance. I am grateful that we can grow together.
You are right, my child is not broken. I think in order to see that, I also need to be able to describe as accurately as possible my experience in parenting him, so that I can know that I’m not just imagining things, so that I can knowledge that this is a difficult mothering journey and so that I can rid myself of some of the guilt and be able to move forward.
One day it finally dawned on me my explosive child just could not handle any type of change. I learned if he was prepared for it things went more smoothly. I just had to figure out the triggers. When it came to reading it was a battle until one day he three a brand née book down and cried, “I only like books with pictures on every page!” he read well so that was a revelation. I discovered the “Illustrated Children’s Classics” which indeed have a picture on every other page. He devoured them, I bought everyone they made. Until he was old enough to reason with childhood was difficult. He cried more than all oft other 4 children put together. He finally really grew up when he went on a service mission and learned to appreciate what he had. It was the best thing ever. He tried my patience like no other. I know other adults though who have never grown out of this explosive behavior. I made it a matter of lots of “on my knees time” asking to know how to raise him especially since his previous siblings were easy going. One day he said to me, “Why is it always about my behavior?” He was beginning to understand, he just needed the tools to deal with his frustrations.
What a wonderful post and response to your already beautiful article. I’ve already shared this with friends and seen it ease a lot of anxiety. It’s so important to know we’re not alone. You’ve inspired me to begin writing a post about my own experiences as a food-triggered (or lack there of) emotional child. Thank you!
I love this article. It is a relief to hear other people have these problems! I have a very difficult second daughter who is now 6 and my family members would always give me so much grief over how I handled her. They could never seem to understand that she could not be handled in the same way as any other child. I had to get her calm before adressing the problem or else the situation would escalate and she would get out of control. I always say that she helped me grow as a parent and learn to have a tremendous amount of patience and to stay calm.
This is FANTASTIC advice and info- thank you for posting it! Giving a pass is really hard for me as a parent…but I agree, it’s important to do…for the sanity of everyone in our family.
This is FABULOUS advice!!! There are two in particular that I had not thought of! I am always looking for new ways to get better at parenting my son. I have been talking with school counselors, a psychologist, and other parents… but when people don’t have difficult children, they just don’t understand. Even the psychologist was an extreme disappointment. He was published and all I could think was “I’ve done all those things AND I could add a few points onto your book. I hate how other parents look at us and think that we are obviously doing something wrong. They don’t understand that I would take their hardest day with their normal child every day over my norm. I have 2 normal kids… I can handle normal. Shoot… at this point in time I call my normal children EASY!! Thank you so much for this post. I feel a little less alone tonight! Thank you! Also… I read a post above about you putting blame on your child and giving her shameful names and how she realized that it was her who was to blame and not her child. That is the case sometimes, however, I know that my behaviors and temperment were and are not what sparked my child’s behaviors. It is true that our response can make matters worse with our childern no matter where they are on the spectrum, but it sounds like the gal above has a normal child and her change just helped her see that. It doesn’t work for every child. Some kids just are more difficult and you can sugar coat the name to spirited or whatever else, but at the end of the day… the rose is still the rose. The truth is that we are not all overwhelmed moms of normal children, some of us are competant moms with difficult children! There is a difference! I for one appreciate you stepping out and being open and honest so that moms like me can survive another day! It has taken me 5 years to shake the shame before I was able to look at those moms in the eye and say, Thank you for your opinion and advice, and then walk away giving them grace because I know that they can never fully understand. They will not understand that I cry in the shower and grieve for the kind of memories I want to remember with my son. I grieve for the things my other 2 miss out on because they have a difficult brother. They don’t understand that we go through more tissues, more prayers, more heartache than they will ever know… and that’s ok… I don’t wish a difficult child on anyone. Again… Thanks!! I am excited to use the new advice!
This may be a no-brainer, but since you have noticed a direct correlation between her behavior and her needing to eat, have you had her blood sugar tested? There might be a medical issue (diabetes, hypoglycemia, etc) that needs to be addressed. I was diagnosed hypoglycemic in high school and have recently become diabetic as a result. I find that when my diet is out of control, meaning my blood sugar is out of control, my emotions are equally out of control.
Great comment Jennifer. Blood sugar is SO huge in regards to behavior and it can be easy to overlook. I was so glad to see Shawn talk about eating frequent small meals in this article. I too was diagnosed as hypoglycemia as a child and I see many of those tendencies in my more difficult son; enough so that I don’t think I will even have him tested – I just know that food and blood sugar are major issues related to behavior.
Wow , I can really related with all this I have two boy who have a different behavior. My oldest one is the strong will he can explote in a second if things are nothis way or if he is out of his structure. He could have a tantrum out of just not getting the attention that he wants. I tried everything with him and read a lot of parenting books trying to find technique sto help me. A t the end of the day i feel hoeeible with myself guilty like I am hurting his emotions in a wrong way! He has his days if we are here in the house following his daily routine he reacts much better but for example if I give them free time in seconds he will be fighting with his brother and of course trying to control his brother on everyhting !!! I do give the snacks like they will eat breakfasta ound 7:30 by 10 am they have snack by 12 lunch then around 1 or 1:30 nap which he just started to skip but he will stay in his room totally the opposite because his brother lovesssssssssssss to take his nap and then around 4:30 they are eating dinner so in my case I dont know if the food will be a factor in his behavior. W hen we go to my moms he will do whatever he wants he wont listen wont obey and is like calling his name 20 times . I guess is because he know over there is no structure at all so he can or try to get his way. My big frustration comes from why well i cansay since he turned 3 and a half he totally changed why does he needs to wai t for me to talk to him in a bad way or screamed at him if I already told him like 20 times please dont do that!!! in a nice way I feel horrible upset with myself and so guilty I know this is not easy but its hurting all of us in the process!!!! any comments or suggestions!!!! by the way he is not very kind with his brother which drives me crazy
I hope you don’t mind me dropping my advice. My 8 year old son was diagnosed ODD several months ago. He was born the sweetest little boy on the planet who I called my little monkey bc of the way he just loved being carried around and snuggling all the time. At 3 he flipped. He never wants to go anywhere, he doesn’t enjoy doing anything… shoot… he even hated Disneyworld. He is just so angry all the time and is getting more explosive. He cusses and yells and hits and destroys things. In the past year I have found that where, with a normal kid I can say… “if you don’t listen, then I will take away video games, etc”… with him NOT A GOOD IDEA! Positive reinforcement has been where I see the biggest impact. We have a daily expectation chart. I use a dry erase board and list all the things he needs to do each day. Make Lunch, Brush teeth, Do Homework, Read 15 minutes, Chore, Green Day at School (Good day), it can change daily depending on whether it’s a school day or not. Anyways, he can see what he needs to do and he moves the magnet once he accomplishes each task. He is in control of moving the magnet. At the end of the day we look over his chart and talk about how good he did and if he has completed each task we give him a star on his Weekly chart. Once he reaches 15 stars he gets a prize of some sort. Many parents are going to tell you that this is crap… rewarding expected behavior… yadda yadda yadda… but when I see his face and talk to him and sometimes he does yell and throw a fit when he realizes he won’t get a star, I KNOW he gets it! I know that is punishment enough for this child! He is devastated when he loses a star and we are able to talk about how he can earn his star the next day. Kids like him seem to do really well with structure and natural consequences. Providing the consistency of structure is hard, but it is worth it! Days we don’t have it do not go well. Days when I provide an unexpected consequence he explodes and we can have a 4 hour meltdown which ends with broken objects and tired parents who have nothing left to give. Unfortunately I don’t have a whole lot of advice on stopping a fit once it starts. I keep my voice mellow and try not to give reaction, keep taking him to his room and saying “when you are ready to join the family please come down” We have a “fits are fine… but they are not for an audience so you must do them in your room” rule. I really try hard to recognize situations that will set him off and guide him through them so he doesn’t get frustrated. Doesn’t always work… It’s hard… It’s just hard, but I know he can grow up to learn appropriate behaviors… hopefully I’m still sane enough to see it. lol. Good luck!! OH…. and I started reading The Explosive Child by Ross Greene after I saw it on this site and it seems good so far… might be helpful in starting to understand your son.
Melissa,
Reading your response has really helped me. I stumbled upon this blog via Pinterest. Your response really struck me, we are going though the same things. Good luck!
WOW! I thought I was the only one dealing with this. For awhile I have (shamefully) thought something was wrong with my child. We’ve been to the Pediatrician and she cant come up with anything. I am on the verge of tears reading this. HAPPY TEARS. Wow it feels awesome to know I’m not the only parent dealing witht his. Wow. THANK YOU SO SO MUCH for writing this.
We are going through this also with our middle daughter. We took her to her pediatrician hopeful for some help and she said, “something must be wrong in our home, since she can control it in public.” It was crushing. She has sensory issues. Our other two girls are go with the flow, we can give time-outs to and they don’t freak out. With her we can only parent with positive parenting. We have also seen that the outbursts are more often anytime she is worried about anything. It can be as simple as a playdate coming up or having to get infrount of her class in school or traveling. We also can tell a difference if she goes to bed later than normal or if she is hungry. My question is she has started being mean to her sisters and will pinch them when she is angry. We can’t do time-out or she screams and shakes and becomes very withdrawn for hours. We have tried to take things away, but she doesn’t watch tv the only thing she really loves is to play outside and you really can’t take that away. We talk to her, but she keeps doing it. I’m glad to have found your blog and know we are not alone and it’s not just something “wrong” with our house.
{ 2 trackbacks }