People don’t talk about having an angry child (I mean a child who is very angry, very often.)
At least I find it pretty difficult to talk about. I want to reach out to other moms and say, “You’re not alone, I know what it’s like. I know it’s hard!” But sometimes, on the blog especially, I just don’t talk about it because it always feels like you need to preface the discussion with, “I love my child, of course.” What a silly statement– OF COURSE I love my child.
Also, what I write here is public for….who knows how long? I assume what I write about my children could be pulled up years and years from now. I have no desire to write anything that will leave my kids feeling embarrassed or ashamed.
But I’m giving a try at writing this because, really, why should our relationships with our children ONLY be allowed to be positive? It doesn’t serve any of us parents to sit alone wondering if we’re doing something wrong. It doesn’t serve our children if we are unable to reach out and find the tools we need to help them handle their big emotions.
Big Emotions
My middle son gets ANGRY. In babyhood it was screaming for hours. In toddlerhood it was the screaming and then banging his head on the floor until he gave himself a bloody nose. We’ve moved away from the head banging (thankfully!) But screaming is still loudly a part of our lives. I’ve dealt with my five year old having night terrors for years during which he is simultaneously calling for me and kicking me away if I try to comfort him.
I have been That Person at the grocery store. I have had a (less than helpful) person tell me “You should knock that F*cker out!” as we barely manage to get out the grocery store doors. Ouch. My son gets angry.
We have been through Early Intervention for sensory issues. He has been diagnosed with migraines and we’ve got more diet restrictions more than I’ve got fingers on one hand. All of this helps to a point, but that anger is still there. It is his “fall back” response to being out of sorts.
It’s scary to have an angry child.
Sometimes eating right, doing regular sensory activities and giving positive attention works. We get in a groove and I feel great seeing this shining, wonderful person who is my son, and I think “OK! Now we’ve got it all figured out! Yes!”
But then we fall into a downswing again. (This is where we’ve been lately.) We go into a downward spiral. He wants more attention. I want a break. He becomes a black hole of energy in our family because he is loud and demanding and we are frazzled and unable to meet his needs. I begin to feel hopeless, worried. “What if I can’t DO this?!” I worry that my flaring temper, my inability to ever REALLY figure out this enigma of a child will injure him. I worry that if I don’t do this right, when he’s an adult his already raw emotions will go unchecked and work against him. My worries are darker than that, but writing them down feels like it would only be giving credence to these phantoms.
We are not missing pieces.
The other night I sat on his bed while he cried (I had enough rest and was feeling patient, thankfully) and I realized something that helped me make a mental shift. I realized that THIS is our relationship. He will not be my easy child. He just won’t. I will not wake up one day knowing all the answers. There will be no magic pill that says, “Here, now you are both ready to be with each other and it will be so easy.” And, you know, I finally felt a little bit of peace about that.
I think I needed to grieve and let go of how I hoped it would be.
For his whole life I have been looking for that missing puzzle piece that would solve it all. I have tried so hard, but have been barely adequate at truly accepting my son as he is. That anger is so loud and so difficult that sometimes it’s the only part I have seen.
But that night as he cried and I tried to comfort him, something clicked. I realized that just as I am a growing and flawed human being, so is my son, and he is NO LESS whole for it. He is not missing a part of the puzzle for being so angry, nor am I, for being a mom who is LEARNING how to deal with anger. This is the whole of who we are now and it holds the wonderful potential for who we can become. We are beautiful and varied human beings with a contrast of dark and light. My son may scream and rage in the darkness; he may be so angry that a grocery-store-stranger feels the need to cuss at us, but he has a light that would TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY if you could see it.
It is Monsoon season here. The days can go from warm and sunny to storming and grey and back again in a matter of hours. The storms are intense – flashing lightning and a cracking thunder that makes you jump. But then – then the rainbow appears. Then the grass grows where once it was dry and brown. It feels like the entire desert sighs with satisfaction and renewal. The desert is not broken; it’s is not missing something. The desert’s harsh swings in temperature can be unsettling, but they are also what gives this place its stark and contrasting beauty.
My son gets angry. He pushes me to learn more about myself, about parenting, about how I respond to anger. He gives me the courage to change and start over when things don’t work. He helps me be a better person because, of course; I LOVE my son.
This is our story that we are living together. No missing pieces, just a chance to grow after the rain.
So this is why I write about parenting, and it’s something I struggle with. I by no means have it worked out, but I keep learning (even on days when I really Rather Not). I just want you to know, if you have an angry or intense child…you’re not alone, I know it’s hard and I’m sending you a hug.
This post is part of the “We Get It” parenting series hosted by the Golden Gleam. Her series is a wonderful resource for dealing positively with difficult parenting issues. Find out more:
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Wow, this is amazing. Thank you for opening up like this and showing us all this light and acceptance. Going to share on my page, now!!
Gauri
LovingEarthMama
This is the first article that resonates the same experience with our nearly 3 year old son. I haven’t thought of him as angry, I have identified him as a spirtited and intense child. There have been times he’s thrashed about on the floor, trying to kick me and when I move away he bangs his head on the floor until it hurts enough to scream. I sit quietly and try to make eye contact with him, letting him know I won’t let him hurt me and I’m here with him. Sometimes he begs me to help him, to hold him and I do, I want to so much, but I have to wait until he wants me! IT IS SO HARD. We can be having a pleasant, wonderful day, when the simplest redirection will cause him to stop, his face glazes over quickly, and he starts slapping himself. Early Intervention screened him, they said he is normal, testing above his peers. They said I’m worrying too much. I feel in my gut that we are missing something. I’m really glad you made the venture to write this article, it has been good to read all the feedback this has gotten too, so much more to research. I know we will always have challenges with our son, but I want all the understanding and tools I can get my hands on!
Melissa,
My heart goes out to you. Being told you “worry too much” does nothing but make you feel embarrassed, guilty and confused – not the kind of emotions that help with parenting! As you said after reading the responses to this article, there are resources out there. And as I am finding, there sometimes is no “magic pill” no AHA! moment, but maybe lots of little aha moments. The more you learn about what works best for your family and your son, the easier it will get. You aren’t crazy. It’s hard and you’re doing it.
Parents, please be aware of the way that nutrition affects your child! Their growing brains and bodies need lots of Healthy fats, which play a major role in their nerve sensitivity, as well as lecithin (in runny yoke eggs or powdered gmo free)….fats and minerals and hydration and no sugar.
There is so much we can do to help them through providing a wholesome consistent meals!!! Thank you for shedding light on this issue, it really helps me to understand diversity of personality!
wow! So many great ideas on here for tweaking the things that affect our kids.
I might have missed it, but I wanted to add something that I hadn’t seen that *might* be helpful – at least it has helped us. My daughter has a syndrome that comes with a whole host of behavioral issues, including transitioning problems and tantrums. Our OT recommended brain/music therapy and we began using some products from AdvancedBrain.org. I was blown away by the improvement I saw in her in many areas; not just her extreme reactions to things. It isn’t magic and it isn’t overnight, and it might not work for everybody. It has worked for us and we continue to use it. They have programs for autistic children and SPD; although we haven’t used those. It’s not cheap, but perhaps you could find an OT who is willing to take the course and work with your child. We purchased our materials through her, and did therapy with her and on our own with our child daily.
Thanks Laurie! I love how many different suggestions we’re getting on things that have helped in various families.
I bought the music therapy program from Advanced Brain Technology for my daughter, and I was so hopeful. However, after doing only a few sessions, she has now refused to continue. I tried different incentives to get her to do it (special crafts that she could only use while listening, buying her a special soft and fuzzy neck massage pillow to use only while listening), but that only turned into another thing to battle about – wanting to do the activity/use the pillow when not listening (and still not wanting to listen). So, I decided it wasn’t worth it. It’s hard enough to get through the day’s many challenges/power struggles without adding another one. I am curious whether your daughter resisted the ABT program or if she likes it, and if not, how you coaxed her.
Are there any books you’ve read that have been particularly helpful.
I just want to simply say thank you!!! :,)
Thank you so much for sharing this. It truly touched my heart and helps me put words around parts of my relationship with my child. I love the comparison to the desert — the strong emotions swing to both ends of the spectrum.
I am the angry one here, but my daughter is so, so like me. And thank you for giving me permission to accept that THIS is our relationship. We are passionate people, and we love passionately, but passionately disagree with one another too. I didn’t realize I was hoping for it to be different one day until I read your post, and that it’s ok to grieve what it might not ever be like, because when I do, I can appreciate what we DO have. Which is pretty ok, even if it’s not what I’d hoped it would be. Thank you.
Hello ,
My daughter , Emaliegh , is 2 years old and i saw that your son was hitting his head against things and that you guy’s have gotten over that. Well my daughter does that every time she gets in trouble or is not happy about the situation. She will slam her head into anything that is around her. My question is how did you get him to stop doing that?
I think your an AMAZING Mama for acknowledged all that is “flawed” and accepting what you can’t change and determination to have a relationship with your son, and I can’t wait to read the positive things your son will share in this world one day! all because in the end his mom was there and never wavered no giving words to the phantoms they have no power over you! Your son will succeed in life and be a beautiful wonderful human being just like his mama!
Wow! I feel like I could have written this post exactly, if only I was as eloquent as you! Thank you for finding the words to my feelings and experiences. It is wonderful to know “I’m not the only one.”
Alissa, My best friend sent me your posting and I’m so glad she did. I feel alone sometimes, like no one has a kid like mine. Somehow it’s comforting to see that there are other kids out there like mine, with parents who are trying just as hard as I am to do the best they can for their challenging child.
I just wanted to say this post brought me to tears. You are ME. You described my son to a T. Sometimes I think I am the only one who sees the light in my son. But it’s there. Thank you for reminding me to look for it in the darkest times.
Hi Alissa,
You’ve captured the reality of what it is like to parent an intense child, lock, stock and barrel. Intense kids are simply MORE of everything and anyone who parents a child with this amount of passion is working 10x harder than a typical parent…on a good day!
Been there, done that…and am so happy to share that when you see it through, you will find something so beautiful, so stunning, so worth all the struggle waiting on the other end. I’m there now…but I never forget what we went through to get to the other side. It is difficult for parents because others sit by and say, “WOW…you need to just “such-and-such” to that kid and then maybe he’ll behave,” or, “Clearly, if you were a better parent, your kid wouldn’t be acting like that!”
Problem is, all of the existing parenting books do little to give information that is of any help to parents for kids with MORE! I’ve devoted my life’s work to helping parents, and have helped thousands in my 25 years of clinical practice…and am happy to hold up a light for you and say, THERE IS HOPE. THERE IS HOPE. THERE IS HOPE. I’ve seen it in my practice, and more personally, in my home.
I hope you’ll stop by our blog and find our “Anger Toolbox for Kids” on the right side. It’s free to join and will give you a few great tips to add to your arsenal of tools!
Keep up the great work of being so insightful! Your son is lucky, indeed!
Wendy @Kidlutions
This is also my son and I. ANGRY. My three girls seem to be able to handle life where he just seems to not. When he was younger it was punching and kicking the floor when he got upset. I didn’t have time to read all the comments here but one thing has seemed to help a little bit. Nothing makes my son angrier than a chore. I mean ANGRY. I’ve tried it all with him consistently from earning thing to taking things away when his response is out of control . What I’ve found to work is a preparation to his anger. I say to him, “I know this makes you angry, so try to control your reaction, but it’s your turn to do the dishes.” Or “I need you to pick up your socks. ” Yes, even that makes him mad. Super, super mad. I hate you mom! mad. Or at least it use to. Preparing him for the emotion he is going to feel helps him to control the outrage. He still gets mad but it really helps to keep himself in check. It’s just been a few weeks that we have worked on it. Hopefully it continues to just show improvement. I’m hoping that eventually the anger becomes more and more controlled until it just doesn’t exist anymore. Hopefully this helps with others. And thank you for sharing your thoughts. It is so nice to see all the other people actively trying to parent this. There is a peace in knowing it isnt just you.
thank you reading this really helped me in knowing i am not alone
Thank you for this post. It speaks right to my heart at what is going on with my son and me. It’s comforting knowing I am not alone. A resource that I’ve found helpful is CelebrateCalm. Their CDs are expensive, but I’ve found them helpful in changing my perspective and approach which is all I have control over. I do not have control over my son’s actions. Thank you again!
Thank you so much for this post and for your honesty. I too have an angry boy with sensory issues. His anger manifests itself often in disrespectful behavior and language. We spend a lot of time with my sister’s family and lately they have begun yelling at him or attempting to “parent” him when I am right there! I confronted them and they said that I “allow” him to act disrespectfully and that they won’t tolerate it. They have an angelic people pleasing 4-year-old girl and cannot understand that I am not “allowing” anything. It’s just not as easy to get through to him. I finally said they need to back off or we are going to have to stop spending time together. BUT our two kids are best friends and they cry and miss each other when they are not together. My sister is my best friend too. I need some advice! Got any? Thank you! Jen
Youre not the only, im not the only one…hugs =)))
As I sit here with tears streaming down my face at work I have to let you know from the bottom of my broken heart thank you. Thank you for making me not feel alone. Thank you for being honest and open. Thank you for helping me have more courage when I try to comfort my son as he rages against the world even as he pushes me away.
Oh, Amanda. So many hugs to you. That’s all I can say. This is so hard, and you are doing it, mama. Hugs.
With tears of shared grief, understanding and hope flowing down my face, I thank you. So very, very much- thank you.
Have you looked into the GAPS diet?? It has done wonders for my “angry” daughter. She’s 4 1/2 and we’ve dealt with night terrors which are pretty much gone, she’ll still have small one’s if she’s had too much sugar though. She still has strong emotions but she’s so much better able to handle them correctly before she explodes, she’s more loving with her sister, she’s just a happier girl and GAPS has been a huge part of that!
Some children are angry because they lack structure or lack the right diet or lack discipline or have a substance reaction that no one is aware of. There are so many variables to it that it takes patience, time, and ruling things out by elimination or inclusion. Kudos to you for bringing it up.
Thanks so much for this post. It feels like I have spent the last six months trying to explain my six-year-old son to other adults…his grandparents, his camp counselors, his new teacher, the principal, etc. His anger is definitely worse at home, when he hasn’t had enough protein or sleep. But, like you said, as soon as I think I have a handle on things, we go into a downward spiral. Thank you for your thoughtful suggestions, but especially for this sentence, “the desert is not broken; it is not missing something.” This will be the thought that I use to calm my response to my son’s explosions; the sweet, peaceful image of flowers blooming on cacti after a rainstorm.
Thanks for your comments MontanaMomoo. I feel like there is still more to write about this, but it is taking a while to formulate. Sending you compassion and strength as you continue on this journey.
I would just like to let you know I’ve shared your story on our FB page. I commend your courage in sharing this. It brought me to tears. Your son is so lucky to have a mother who loves him as much as you do. Not only that, your son is lucky to have a mother who wants to understand him.
Thank you. This brought tears to my eyes. I have been searching for the missing piece since my screaming, angry, spirited baby was born six years ago. It is so hard to accept that THIS is what our relationship is, but I needed to “hear” it.
Thank you so much for giving me this read, and for your blog. I am sitting here at work, wondering so many things, looking for answers. Trying to find everything I can for my child that gets angry. I love her, I want the best for her, and I reach out to her. I love what I’m finding here, and I love that there are others out there, too.
I’ve never thought once that I was alone feeling like this, however, it is wonderful to read that I am not. I have a 14 year old daughter, who has been “like this” since she was 4 years old. Now that she is a teenager, it seems to be getting so much worse. I often feel like I’m not being a good mom or have “done my job correctly” as a mother for her to be like this. She is angry at the world and thinks it owes her something. I try to be stronger then her…or maybe I should say stronger willed. Most of the time, I want to throw my hands up and say forget it and walk away. I love her so much and I hate that she can’t seem to “find her way”. She is so smart, but too lazy to do her school work. It’s a constant battle with her. Her temper and mine clash. We are so much alike it’s scary. She never wants to just talk to me, she bottles everything up inside and I don’t know what to do to help her. I have to be her parent first and friend second. I know this took a lot of courage to put yourself out there like this as a parent. YOU are not alone. Hopefully we will make it through this and our children will grow up to be amazing in life. One can only hope, dream, pray!
My gosh. I don’t think I have ever felt this touched by reading anything in my life. I even cried. This sounds so much like myself and the struggles I deal with on a daily basis with my son. He is ADD and ADHD. He gets extremely anger and it used to kill me because I didn’t know what to do. I always hear about how wonderful everyone else’s kids r doing and than I would secretly sulk and wonder y my cHilda was not like theirs. But I know just as well that when he is happy, he is the brightest star in thr sky.
I sense my youngest will be my angry child and she’s only 14 months. I find myself giving excuses to why she hits and slaps and pinches us, but sometimes I need a break. Knowing that there is no real answer, but to love them just they way they are is perfect answer for me. Thanks for the entry.
Alissa: My child is grown but I am a teacher who has two children who have regular tantrums. Thank you so much for your insights about anger in children. I had come to a similar conclusion with these two guys, grieve the way you wish things were, and accept what is! Everyone seems a bit happier now.
Thank you so much! I also have an angry child that I love very much. It is amazing to hear others out there dealing with the same behaviors. He can be the most loving and giving child, but then he will get angry…. It is so hard, but what in life that is easy means so much…
Hello!! I skipped the ‘normal’ next step to reading an article or visiting someone’s blog. Which is, to read feedback or comments left by others. I am still trying to catch my breath!!
You are an Amazing writer! Thank you so much for finding the courage and expression to share your emotional journey! Have you written any books?
Your voice is very moving!!
Most importantly thank you for your Honesty! I have checked out every book, researched online, ignored and/or tried desperately to take my family and friend’s advice. Journaled, given it all to God as I understand Him, and wept for hours, sometimes days when my daughter just can NOT find her calmness.
In reflection, the hardest part for me has been my Mother’s response to my stormy child. I respect her opinion and follow her advice in most every aspect of my life. However, I’m guarded with even her lately. I dare anyone to judge me or think they could do it differently! Oh, as many people have suggested! ‘give her to me for a week and you’ll get back a different kid!’ No thank you is my polite response. I vision them breaking her spirit and making matters SO much worse!! They care, I have to remind myself.
I’ve taken a few minutes to read the comments and want to thank everyone who replied with further insight and helpful tips. My deepest gratitude to you, Alissa, for sharing your story and hope!! God has a plan for all of His children. It’s our job to remain teachable!!
One mom to another, Vanessa (Oregon)
Your reply gave me goosebumps Vanessa. Indeed, it is our job to remain teachable, and it is so very humbling. Thank you.
I so love this piece. Talking about the extreme behavior of our children is SO HARD, especially when at our core we believe that I am a good mom, they are a great kid, we’re not doing anything especially wrong, this is just the way it is and we are learning what that means and how toile the best of it.
I have five kids. My oldest was everything opposite if what I hoped my child would be, she showed me that this whole mothering thing is no cake walk. She baptized me by fire, compared to her everyone else was easy. But I get her. We are a lot alike. We have a lot if the same weaknesses. I see life from her point if view. Then there is my third, my “angry child” I guess. She is truly an enigma. That is the perfect word for how little I understand her. When she was little I called her my zero to sixty baby because one minute she’d be laughing and the next she’s be screaming so loud and shrill it literally made our ears hurt. Now she has developed more of her funny side. She is hilarious! When she’s in a good mood she is such a joy. The funniest person I’ve ever know . In a dark mood she’s still throwing her toys, screaming at her brother, scrawling on the walls.
It’s hard to speak up, to even know how to communicate about the difficulty of parenting. Thank you for this conversation – for this moment to stand together.
This was beautiful, Alissa. Thank you.
I don’t know what your spiritual beliefs are, but I wanted to share a theory that sometimes helps me breathe and relax and find meaning in these difficult situations. I have a very intense little guy (6 now) who has always been intense. He gets angry and explodes or sometimes his sensitivity makes him appear so fragile he just melts down and cries. He is sometimes wild, sometimes defiant, sometimes hilarious, sometimes as kind as a kid can get. I, too, have always wondered if there is a missing piece to the puzzle, but work on letting that go as much as possible. When he was 18 months old, my mother in law passed away at the age of 51. Even at that young age, my son was quite verbal, and he used to come out with the most amazing comments about having talked to his Grandma or having seen her… he also said things about reincarnation (which we’d never talked about with him) that would make anyone’s jaw drop. It struck me deeply, and I began to see him as an old soul, one that had a deep understanding of something I couldn’t quite touch. One day, I let myself imagine that whatever life preceded this one was extremely difficult for him, and he’d carried in some of that baggage with him this time. I imagined that he knew his dad & I would be able to help his soul heal. Perhaps we’ve walked together in another life before this one and he knew he could trust us. Or perhaps we walked together in another life and we have something between us to heal. Of course, we can’t know for sure. But by letting myself imagine these things, I allowed myself to be open to any and all possibilities, and allowed myself to see him as a spiritual being. As a little soul that craves healing and love, as we all do. And when I can see it like that, it is so much easier to take a deep breath and love him through his anger. Wouldn’t it be a beautiful world if we could all do that for each other more often? Thank you again for your post – by writing & sharing, you have loved many of us through what can so often be a messy, difficult road.
Thank you for sharing the dark as well as the light. I’ve also experienced the moment of epiphany you describe with my youngest son, who has autism. You brought tears to my eyes.
Amazing!! Thank you!! As I sit teary-eyes nodding while reading…this is my
life with our first-born son. It’s so exhausting on all levels but also awesomely rewarding.
Thank you for sharing!!
Hi Alissa,
i realize this is an older post but i still hope this response reaches you. Thanks for sharing, i can’t relate to your situation but i do find it so very important to share our experiences as mums amongst each other, after all it needs a village to raise a child and in our time we are way too often totally alone.
I just wanted to say that with my almost two year old i am experiencing strong relations between diet and behaviour. I know people have stated this before here but sugar plays a huge role in this. Since we stopped eating cane and beat sugar (and its hard because it is just in every thing) my little one is a totally different person. (we also stopped gluten and lactose but the biggest change came after cutting out sugar, since i am still nursing it means that i can’t eat those things as well:-()
Also Dr.Bach flower remedies are a non invasive and easy way to help your child and YOU to cope with difficult situation and his mood swings in general.
And last i read this amazing article about a mother who adopted a child who was born (unknown at this time) with fetal alcohol syndrom. His behaviour was uncontroleably violent until he got a dog. Of course i realize that this is a severe illness and far more drastic than what you are going through, but i just wanted to point out the benefits of animals. Here is her story, maybe it will help you:-)
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/02/05/magazine/wonder-dog.html?pagewanted=1&ref=magazine&_r=0
Lots of strength lizs
Wow. That was sad, touching, hopeful all at the same time. I am raising my grandson who is an angry teenager. Sometimes it feels like we live in a war zone, but when times are good he is a treasure and a wonderful boy. I have taken care of him since he was a baby and we have been through the screaming stores, ruined play dates, teachers conferences; all of it. One thing I know, I will never give up on this kid and I will never give up hope that he will have a good and productive life. When I see the screaming child in the grocery store my heart goes out to his mom and to him. I wish people could understand the frustration these children live with every day, for they do not want the anger any more than we do. God bless you and keep on being the awsome mom that you are.
Thank you for sharing. I have been feeling so alone, thinking what or where i went wrong. what i could have done differently. My 7 yr old son has always been a little explosive but this last year it seems to have gotten worse. i’ve been praying so something to open my eyes. your blog did just that! Thank you!
Thank you. My son is so hard sometimes. This morning he scratched my face as hard as he could. Then later threw a vent cover at me. I try so hard to be patient and calm and explain things, but it’s so so hard when he does things to physically hurt me! And he’s only three.
I am so afraid of the future with him. Thank you for your thoughts and understanding.
I am literally in tears!! I seriously thought I was the only mom who dealt with this kind of behavior!! My son is 6 years old now and his entire life has been so angry. We’ve done all sorts of therapy, we’ve done medication. Nothing has really helped. I’ve always felt so alone dealing with this, no one understands, or so I thought!! I could of wrote this exact same article!!! Thank you!! Thank you for being so honest!!
i feel like I need to write a note to you and all parents struggling with an angry child, because I was that child. As an adult I now know that it was a form of anxiety – I got uncontrollably angry when I was afraid, when I wasn’t in control, when life seemed unfair. And my mother struggled with our relationship (although she hid that from me until I was old enough to understand) because she always felt that she should be able to help, to do something to make the rage go away. My mother and I have a great relationship though – yes it was stormy through my childhood and oh my goodness even more so through my teens, but that intensity has given way to a closeness that only comes from knowing your parents love you without condition, saw the flaws and difficulties and accepted them. As an adult it’s very rare i get cross and i think that might be because i was allowed to rage when i was too young to understand why i did it. She once said to me that I was a difficult child to love, which sounds awful as I write it but what she mean’t was I pushed her away in anger so often that it was painful for her even as she loved me. I now have a son who rages, and i’m so grateful for my mothers calmness when he brings me to tears. She knows what all the ‘helpfull’ people out there don’t, that sometimes you have to let the rage go. If you weather the storm it will stop and I hope the relationship you end up with, and that my son and I have, is half as good as the one my mother and her angry child have. Xxx
Thank you SO much for sharing on this subject. I can seriously relate as I frequently struggle with following my emotion or following my knowledge about how to communicate to my now 5 year old son; with unpredictable anger and lack of self-confidence outbursts. You post brought me to tears and opened me up to a new perspective about him and my relationship with him.
God bless you, and your family!
Best wishes to you Daysha. May you continue to find news ways to see your relationship that help you enjoy the deep love you have for your son.
Thank you so much for this post! My son in almost 5 and can be a living terror at times. He really is the sweetest little boy, but when he gets mad…look out! I’ve tried time ins, time outs, taking things away, even spankings, but nothing seems to get through to him. Today, I just put him in his room, shut the door, and walked away. I just couldn’t handle the tantrums and screams. Then, just like you said, he will go a while without losing his temper. He will stay in control (as much as a preschooler can). The roller coaster is exhausting and overwhelming. But I am learning how to better control myself when I am with him. I’m learning to breathe and stay calm through it all. Some days are easier than others. It’s nice hearing that I’m not alone and that my son isn’t alone either! Thank you!
I think when we have these kids we get enrolled not into Parenting 101, but Parenting 505. If we keep being curious about who they are and keep learning, it’s not easy, but we can grow together with them and become better human beings because of it. Hugs to you.
Every day I must remind myself that I am only human. I am only one person. Raising her is totally a love/hate relationship with myself. One day, hour, minute, second at a time. I so needed to read you essay. It is a comfort.
Wow! Thank you for being so brave and speaking up for those of us who have had similar strugglez. I love what you said, “This is the whole of who we are now and it holds the wonderful potential for who we can become”. I am going to put that on my wall as a reminder.
May there be Shalom in your heart and home. Blessings…
Thanks Jessica. It is reassuring to hear from so many other parents about this.
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